I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
