I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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