I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
