It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My liver just broke up with me...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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