he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
