Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
