Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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