Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
