If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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