someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
