i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
