remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
