oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
