I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You dont lie about slip and slides
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
