WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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