I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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