Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
