...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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