Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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