i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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