Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He felt like a one man threesome
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
