can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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