one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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