I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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