Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
