I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
