you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
