If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
