Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
