Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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