I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
