I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
