I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize