my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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