I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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