I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
