My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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