guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
we're so committed to being not committed
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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