Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
