After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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