It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I party with great urgency now.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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