tell your sister to shave her snatch
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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