i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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