I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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