I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
