We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
