Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
