he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
its liver damage thursday
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