Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
one might say we're banned from that church
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
