shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
