Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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