Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
