so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
