True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
