i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
