U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
