just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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